yearning -- LGBTQIA writing -- JThanks for reading this. We appreciate it.
Written by: J
Date: June 1, 2017
Time: 9:44 PM
skies are blue.
but even so, a small yearning..
Who knows if something is wrong, or right.
Who can really say?
Just being around you, was enough.
I don't talk.
They say I get good grades. Cause I focus on school work.
It's expected that we'll do well in class.
I suppose I wanted to 'stand out.'
Who can say..
I may look organized..
But that's only on the outside.
Didn't you know? Surely you must have guessed that much?
I wasn't trying to show it.
I never wanted to.
There was too much ... interfering.
And of course, long sleeved clothing.
Even in hot July weather.
I didn't care what the temperature was.
Work. Focus. Drive.
The world is just small enough for me.
I was tired.
..Did you check my back-pack?
..Was it normal for a teen to bring a razor with him?
What's wrong - they askedYou plaster a smile on your lips
While you can't feel your face
The muscles seem hard and rusting
Sorrow mummifies your skin
Your chest is a gilded cage
Air passes but nothing moves
Breath is not sanctified and grants no life
Your limbs are limp but move still
By force of the unseen last wisps of strength
That hold on to their duties like cornered warriors
Your thoughts move hindered by the quicksands
Poured by the veins of dried bloody mud
From a battlefield that raged decades ago,
Where the crows still come peck the eyes of the fallen
Yet your eyes are still fixed on that battle
The fallen rest but soon rise to fell each other
And you remember what was while you stand
In the midst of what still is and remember what
is to come and live what never was
heartbreak_4I still wonder sometimes..
Did it ever cross your mind?
Or maybe you just didn't notice?
Or maybe you never cared..
Who knows now..
It's a little disappointing.
But then, maybe I was expecting it..
You never loved me, did you?
You called me lust.
Maybe that's okay.
I may have been your play date.
Just a fun little pet.
Cute Little One.
You called me that once..
Thinking back on it now, it was all for nothing..
Was I truly just a mat for you to walk on?
I gave you a baby..
We'd spent many nights together.
Under the same roof..
Beneath the same bed..
I gave myself to you.
In complete love.. At least I thought so..
It was something I'd never done before..
Then afterward, you would be angry with me..
Over... nothing really..
Sure.. it was nothing..
I started to feel.. separated..
People can change..
I called her Flower.
She was beautiful.
At least, I thought so..
Later on, we'd spend our days yelling back and forth.
..It was always loud.
I turned to dri
fragment - multiple.. imaginings.. --JHello everyone.
Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.
we care about you...
Written by: J
Date: December 3, 2016
Time: 8:54 PM
Perhaps I'm too much..
Or is it that I care too much?
Love too much?
Want to help my friends too much?
I want to help people..
Maybe I am too much..
Too off the rails..
Too off in my own world.
Which consists of deadly fire, and a blue sea.
And my own circle of peace, daily broken by the demons in my mind.
The question of real, is a fantasy as well..
"Who would want to be with you?"
Says the small child who walks alone at night.
Clinging to hope and a small lamp, barely lit.
I was called.
Been broken and scarred already.
Not that you can see the three severed fates that reside somewhere in my space.
Not the website.
My own space.
A space just for me.
maybe - sorrow, sadness -- Jmaybe
Written by: J
Date: June 20, 2017
Time: 7:16 PM
and, I`m sorry...
Maybe I shouldn't care so much.
Maybe it's depression talking.
We haven't spoken in a while.
And for that, I am sorry.
I want to do better. And part of me thinks that I am.
A smile can hide wounds.
Wounds we never show.
Wounds that cripple the happiness away, like broken paper.
I thought I loved you. More than anything.
More then life.
More than breath.
I gave you my very heart.
I let you see the naked soul that's part of me.
Why did I trust you?
Why did I believe the lies?
I wanted to believe in something. Someone.
How could I know that with your arms around me, you would steal my center.
I didn`t want to kiss you.
Though it was my first. And my last.
The depression takes you over.
Drowning out any sense of life and joy that you once had..
never, to rise again...
butterfly - LGBTQIA writing -- JThanks for reading this. We do appreciate it.
Take care. I love you.
They do too.
Written by: one of us.
Date: June 17, 2017
Time: 9:44 PM
Don't have one.
Don't put me in a box for you to label.
I wanted to be normal.
Like, at the zoo, you know?
Animals in cages.
Looking at you helplessly while you stare.
You don't realize.
But then, maybe it's my fault.
Cause I never let anyone in.
Most definitely not you.
I wanted rainbows and pink underwear.
I wanted street lights and a straitjacket.
I wanted, to let my hair down. Just for a moment.
We are all captured by innocents.
His eyes were purple.
And his skin was covered, in scars.
Some of them new. Some old.
I dare not ask what's on his mind.
They say some kind of god made this world..
Really? This world</b>?
What world are you living in?
petal -- sadness warning... -JNew poem.
Thanks for reading this..I guess..
I feel broken again..
But that's normal..
....... Please be safe..
We love you...
Written by: J
Date: May 20, 2017
Time: 1:06 PM
the walls are rotting.
the silence like a light.. but all I hear is freedom.
tiny rats, scurrying around this prison cell.
I've been here for.... years..
Choking on my own heartstrings.
It's a sadness.
I tried drinking..
With life, it's toxic..
I, am toxic to myself..
Anything to catch a break..
I swallow my own self-pity.
Words from inside, start to creep their way out..
I was a child once.. Still am..
And you.. You have no idea..
I don't want to look at you.. I can't.
You may have a piercing gaze.
You may think, that you know me..
Squeeze my heart, so you can have the satisfaction of an ending..
Can you hear my heart bleed? Screaming into oblivion..
Skyfellshad they a shiny silver syringe
filled to brim with orange medicine
better to reign in hell than serve in heaven
so trazo-dosed my hip and burned my soul into oblivion
it's oh so quiet in this room
dark and empty marshmallow buttoned walls
hallucinogen soft and
grey with hollow gloom
naked screams echo here
nail your palms in crescent moons
pupils dilate with torch beam light instead of stars
from their station, nurses check in orbit if
I'm still alive
pierce the shutter door with telescopic eyes and shuttle
Cycloid CascadeThe murmuring of innumerable T.V. screens chattering
in my head
a hundred million bees stinging my skin and
white teeth disintegrating
comatose dose of medication to stave off catatonia
raise magnifying glasses in a toast to see inside my mind
a CAT scan.
Two way mirrors
eat my eyes
they're spying on me with silverfish.
The ward wardens say: lady schizophrenia, your mirrors aren't cursed and cracked
it's your mind.
I find webs of lies and cuckoo nests to fly ghosts beneath the gaps in the doors
sink anchors through the floorboards to the cellar, set up safe rooms to hide in
cast my conspiracy nets wide and catch
there are cameras behind the walls.
They watch me all the time, these disembodied eyes
turning the palms of so many time turners
slow, and fast like unpaced hearts needing pace makers
marking my pulse out - the way they need endless ECGs in I.P.
These cool-handed strangers in scrubs and Clozaril whites running surveillance
to unclothe my mind
walking time backward
ropethere’s something about a rope
tied to the dock
but halfway living
beneath the waves
a flash of woven yellow
just under the surface
open air taunting
from centimeters away
somehow i see myself
tied there instead
tethered to land by the ankle
but with the rest of me
just under the surface
from centimeters away
and i wonder to myself
which would be worse
and finally drowning, the end.
or forever neither
floating nor sinking
just waiting for help
that never comes
because no one thinks
you can drown
in shallow water
there’s just something about a rope
AnorexiaYou're with me everyday,
telling me that you are my friend.
You said things would get better,
that Ill be a healthy woman for all to see.
I pretend that this is real,
but you're killing me inside.
I starve myself everyday,
for the desire to be free of this world.
Free of hatred that I thought of myself,
Now food is my worse enemy.
I can't look at it,
without being sick.
You took control of me,
You kept going,
Telling me it'll be okay.
But you are killing me everyday.
I'm tired of feeling this way,
tired of the way I am.
You are killing me slowly,
I am done with you for good.
Anorexia you are pathetic,
You are worthless to me.
I have finally come to realize,
that soon I'll be able to recover from you.
Moon and Sun
your palms pool warmth into my bones
each smile bright with heat until I could swear there
are cups of tea in your shadow
or flickering flame
your side doves easily to mine
steps fall in sister heartbeats
my pain has marred our marrow
left craters and scars that mark us differently
you help me heal and I you -
under candlelight and wax to waxing moon
laugh sweetly over nothing
reinvent language and burn to perfection
I freeze these moments in space
when swallowed in black holes with hope
I'll appear in a universe
parallel to you
Rubber NoosesMaddie snaps rubber bands to wrists
redirecting and reverberating pain from her
brain to skin to bone,
a tan rubber doctor's mallet
testing the reflexes of coping strategies instead of knees
(kill me please, please kill me, please)
2D hammer flat and golden beige
like the pancakes none of us eat
for the food challenge.
Hey doc, you, my voices, and your goal weight can go
A patient steals one of my silver rings from my bedside -
I wonder if she tiptoed to me in the night and crept
away, jealous treasure tucked in the folds of her pocket gown
or twinkling dull beneath the pale white beam of the
nurse's flashlight for night checks.
Did she slip into my room mid-afternoon snack
while I was trapped at the eating-disorders table;
as much prisoner to the ritual of forced eating in a group
as the disorder slaved me to dancing its strange rhythms too.
Show the nurse my tongue: compliance pink to prove clozapine is swallowed and not
in my cheek, as it were two days ago and
heartbeat (trigger warning) -- JNew poem. Triggering. Sorry.
I'm not that well today.
I love you..
Written by: one of us
Date June 16, 2017
Time: 7:34 PM
thanks.. take care..
tell a lie
break my small
so that I
into the dark night's
live a lie
of flawed code
and hot flashes
not a chance..
chain me up
break me down
break me more..
[if you have a song you'd like put up here drop me a note]
Beautiful - Christina Aguilera - www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAfyFT…
Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz - www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_SI2E…
Nothing to Lose - Billy Talent - www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGUw0u…
Adam's Song - Blink 182 - www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MRdtX…
This Time Imperfect - AFI - www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjC4bw…
Manic Street Preachers - From Despair to Where - www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7JTXZ…
Pink - Long way to Happy - www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMJwCS…
Sia - Breathe me - www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSH7fb…
Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick
P!nk - F**kin' Perfect - www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD…
Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies
Röyksopp - What Else Is There? - www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLpkXt…
Goo Goo Dolls - I'm Still Here (www.youtube.com/watch?v=ba1UFP…)
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